So just the one baby, then, maybe???

Being ready to write this post has taken me a long time. Over the past 3+ years I've been reminded that our plan is definitely not the Lord's plan, and I've learned over and over again that I'm more than definitely not in control of everything in my life (as much as I'd like to think I am). I know I've learned many times both through my experiences and those around me that often our plan is not better, but that doesn't make some things any easier. Just a constant reminder to trust. I'm not sure why today, on my birthday of all days, I'm feeling compelled to write this. Possibly because another birthday signifies the passing of another year of my life, and another of the years in the window for growing our family. I know that window hasn't closed or is probably not even closing, but it is another year passed nonetheless. I've felt the need to share our story for quite some time, both to connect with other moms facing the same situation, and also to open up about something that has and continues to cause such turmoil for me, regardless of coming to terms with having just one babe. So here goes...again, not sure why I'm choosing to write this on my birthday as it means guaranteed tears, but it may be I'm hoping to give myself some semblance of closure as well as provide answers to many wondering friends.

No, having just one baby was not our plan. We always talked about three, and, ironically, in the hospital after delivering Josiah I remember saying I wouldn't mind four. But just one? I'm learning to love that idea too. One means it's easy to up and go wherever whenever. One means less expense for daycare, sports, traveling, college, and life in general. One means that one of us can fairly easily take off to golf or run errands. One means that we can lend a hand to one of our siblings with 2-3 kids when our families are together. One means that he can soak in all of our love and attention. Yikes...one means that he WILL soak in all of our attention. (Oh Lord, PLEASE don't let him have full-blown "only child syndrome!") One really is wonderful, because we are so unbelievably blessed by our one. He is sweet, caring, intelligent, talented, energetic, and such a joy to have. If one is all I have, I'm ok with that. Really. Having one makes me realize what an amazing gift getting that one is. 

So what happened? Well, the first one was easy peasy. It went something like this..."Do you think we should start trying for a baby?" "Sure, why not? It will probably take a few months, so by then we'd be due in the spring which would be great timing for a maternity leave." "Oh my gosh...it's positive?!" Yep, first try. December baby, and the most perfect time for a maternity leave as I learned.

Second time around went like this...11 months of trying, saw a specialist, went through all preliminary infertility testing, found nothing wrong, and after a simple procedure to make sure there were no "obstructions" remaining after my first pregnancy we conceived the next month. Great news for about a week until blood work showed progesterone levels were decreasing instead of increasing. Not a good sign. Begin supplements. Hear a heartbeat at 6-7 weeks. Miscarry a week later while Jim is out of town. Thank goodness for amazing neighbors and faith to carry me through on my own. 6 months later, after not conceiving again, we once again met with the specialist and began medication. 3 months and a few treatments later still no "luck," the end of that cycle of treatments, and the end of my rope. Clomid was not my friend. That was 2 years ago.

Since then I have slowly come to terms with the idea of not having another baby. At first it was because I could no longer put myself or my family through the monthly cycle of 2 weeks spent wondering - maybe this month will be the month, trying, then 2 weeks wondering - did it work, finding out we weren't pregnant, then 2 weeks being disappointed and starting the vicious cycle all over again. It was like an endless emotional monthly roller coaster. I just couldn't do that to my family over and over and over. It interfered with my ability to be a mom, a wife, and a teacher. So I slowly learned to not expect or hope for anything. That may sound horrible and depressing, but the alternative was the monthly roller coaster. The choice to abandon continued medication and treatment has allowed me the freedom to celebrate my one and only, and freedom from dwelling on the loss of our second baby and the helplessness I have found in not being able to create another little life, and the freedom to trust that life is a gift from the Lord in His timing, not ours. It's allowed me to focus on our future as a family of three and embrace the freedoms we have in that number.

Would I take another baby at this point? Absolutely! Do I expect that to happen? No, I can't...and, actually, as I continue to heal from the experiences and disappointments we've had, I'm slowly giving away or selling our baby gear, toys, and the 20+ totes of boy clothing in our basement as the final phase of my healing process. If we do have a happy surprise then I will simply celebrate with new gear and new clothing that isn't 7 years out of style. And for Josiah's sake I will always hope and pray for the sister or brother (or both) that he regularly asks and prays for, or at least for the words to explain to him why he is one of the only kiddos he knows without a sibling to play with.

No, I don't expect to ever completely stop hoping or praying for another, and I don't expect to get past those random, heart-wrenching emotional moments that bring me to tears unexpectedly. Nor do I think our journey has been the harder than others. But now at least I've shared our story so that those of you who know me can understand the last few years of my life and the changes that have occurred in me and for our family, some subtle and others I'm sure very obvious to those of you who know me really well. Please know that I'm not writing this to gain sympathy, but rather to reach out to other moms who have or will experience the loss of a baby or inability to have one. Each time I've shared our story, someone shares a similar story in return. So together let's love and celebrate our little ones.

Strip Quilt, Part 1

From the lovely ladies at Modern Textiles who are quilt math wizards:

For a strip quilt in California King size (100" wide x 98" long), for those of us with 6' 4" hubbies, choose:

7 x 1.25 yard cuts for quilt top

1 x 1 yard cut for binding

Here's my stack! Go ahead and drool...

See that coral color piece peeking out? That's going to be my binding. It's also going to become one of 5 coral colored throw pillows in different prints. Love! 

Step 1: Iron and Cut

From each of the 7 pieces chosen for your quilt top cut 4.75" strips running parallel with the salvage edge. This will make the longest strips. Cut your binding strips 2.25" in whichever direction you prefer the pattern to run for your binding. 

Step 2:

Sew strips end to end, making sure to not put two of the same together. Also pay attention to the directionality of your strips. I had three fabrics that always needed to be sewn facing the same direction. 

Step 3:

Cut your one ridiculously long strip into strips of equal length. Since I completed this step at the lake without my cutting mat and grid, I used the tile floor in the kitchen for my cutting guide. :)

Note:

I "oopsed" the directions and bought too much fabric (that's why you don't forget the pattern at home when you go to pick out fabric). I bought 1 1/3 yards, so I had to adjust the overall dimensions. Instead of 22 rows at 98" long, I had 27 rows at 112". 

Upcoming in Part 2...my fabric fiasco...

New Planner = I heart Filofax

Ahhh...it's already July 23rd, and I'm just starting to feel like I'm getting somewhat on top of things. Summer always seems to appear with a blank slate and somehow fill faster than I can pick up a pen to start writing on my calendar. So far this summer I've been out of town for 3 weeks, in class for 1, and home for 3, and of course those 3 measly weeks were crazy full and busy with running here, there, and everywhere. With the end of July looming I'm definitely feeling some urgency to manage my time well, even though there is no feasible way I'll be able to finish cleaning out our house (and selling everything we no longer use), complete 3 bins of sewing projects, organize 4 months of photos, learn how to use Photoshop, start creating photo books, and create and plan the pile of school work I brought home to tackle this summer, all while spending tons of quality time with my boys and the many friends I want to see. Yikes! Does anyone else have the same problem?! So here is one of the few things I've actually managed to check off my project list...my planner!!! For the last few years I've tried a few options for trying to efficiently and accurately manage our family's crazy schedule. I tried Erin Condren twice, but as beautiful as her life planners are, they simply were not functional for me. Why? The vertical arrangement of the day-by-day section drove me crazy, and I need my planner to house all those random things that I need inconsistently and all the time. Oh, and they are HUGE. I also tried syncing various calendar apps on my phone with my hubby but found that won't work if neither of you are diligent about adding events (or you never remember to check it or look at it regularly). Lastly, I wanted the option to be able to add whatever I needed and eliminate past calendars or lists...so total customization.

Here is what I settled on, and I am SO in love with it. After several weeks of debating (with myself), blog hopping, and searching for the perfect option, I decided to spring for a Filofax (click here for the link). What is a Filofax, you might be wondering? Well, it's a super nice little leather binder that you can fill however you want. Sweet!!! Admittedly, I let it sit empty for a few weeks while I convinced myself that I didn't need to design my own pages (deep breath), but once I decided to just purchase Miss Tiina's printable calendar. Click here for her planner website, and here for her Etsy shop. Was that worth the $10ish investment? Oh wow, absolutely!!! And when I pulled up her Etsy shop I just discovered it's 50% off right now if you'd like to grab it!!!

So after a date with our printer and another with my paper cutter, the last decision was how to organize and insert all the pages. I didn't use the included Table of Contents and decided to create a system that fit me better, so I cut down some super cute file folders from Target and lumped everything into 8 sections: To Do Lists (weekly notes go here too, along with most other random lists of things I keep track of), Calendars, Meals (includes meal planning, grocery lists, and a few recipe cards), Money (budget tracking, bills, and receipts), Celebrating (birthday and anniversary lists along with a record of all the gifts I already have stashed), Mary Kay, Contacts (including sleeves for business cards), and Notes.

How do I love it after a week? OMG IT'S FABULOUS!!! I've already transferred birthdays and anniversaries, taken stock of gifts we have ready to give, added the list of the clothes I have stashed for Josiah in bigger sizes, clipped my coupons and receipts for shopping runs to the divider for shopping lists...WOW, has that been great!!! The last pieces to utilize thoroughly will be meal planning and budgeting sections. Yep, I'm going to be a little over the top and inventory what food we currently have in our freezer and pantry so I can be more intentional with meal planning and prep, but oh I can't wait to have everything I need to keep our family running (more) smoothly at my fingertips!!! I am so never going back to a prebound planner...

Sew Much to Get Ready!

So we're headed to the lake, and can you guess what my boys are planning to do???

Me? Not so much a fisherwoman. Jim's "rendition" of my trips out on the boat go like this..."Yeah, I'll go out for awhile and read while you fish." (30-60 minutes later, or just as he's settling in) "Ok, I'm ready to go back." Drives him crazy!!! I do like to be out on the water, but I don't like baking to a crisp or trying to read and relax in a super cramped boat seat while constantly having to move around to stay comfortable. Maybe someday we'll get a pontoon so we have the best of all worlds. 

I am, however, planning to sew, read, work on photos, sew, maybe nap, sew, read, work on photos some more, SEW... Thanks to Pinterest and the lovely Connie and Roxanne at Modern Textiles (MT on Facebook or their website) I have a pile of gorgeous fabric and a list of sewing projects as long as my arm. If you sew and you haven't visited their shop, seriously, you need to go. Now. They have impeccable taste, everything in their shop from the fabric choices to the displays to the decor is set up to inspire, their product lines are nothing but quality, and they take the time to get to know their customers while they ever so patiently help you find the perfect print (or 7). I am slowly becoming less lost in the world of sewing, though I am still belligerently sticking to things that only require sewing straight lines, for now.

And since a good chunk of our vacation is forecasted rain, I'm planning to spend much of the time my handsome hubby and adorable son are fishing turning these (7)...

...into a larger version of this...

...and these (4) combinations...

...into a few of these adorable elephants!!! (click here for the link to the tutorial)

I was going to make these two ultra and unbelievably soft fabrics into a baby blanket...

...but couldn't wait to put them together for a dear friend today...

...and created very possibly my most favorite baby blanket ever!!!

Almost every one of these projects will be made exclusively from fabric from Roxanne and Connie. I typically don't let my MT fabrics "play" with the other fabrics I had purchased previously elsewhere, but I had a few in my stash that were just too perfect for the elephants to not use. LOL

Have I done this before?

If I looked on my Facebook wall about this time last year, and probably the year before, I'm pretty sure I'd find pictures of my new / newly or organized / reorganized desk. Seriously?! Have I not learned that I need to take care of things right away as the only way to maintain an organized office? So often I hear, "You're so organized!" If only that were always true. Confession: I hate paperwork. I hate filing. I hate grading papers. I hate all that clean up stuff at the end. I have an ottoman full of paper that needs to be filed, shredded, or simply thrown. And I get totally overwhelmed when I've let something pile up. So...this is the year to finally "learn my lesson." I still have few odds and ends to go through, but after I go through the last two bins I'm eliminating any unused containers so I can't do it again. Can someone please check up on me at the end of July. :) (or remind me next year at this time that the reason I have a mess is because the last month of school is c.r.a.z.y.)

Here's my "new office." What do I love? My jar full of washi tape, my plethora of pens and other writing utensils, and my reshuffled shelf of projects that is no longer a mess (since twice during the school year I had the not-so-brilliant idea...yes, twice...to move cookbooks and then unfinished photo albums here). Talk about visually overstimulating. This is much better. I also love the cabinet that matches my desk, and holds almost all of my Mary Kay inventory perfectly. SO much easier to get at, and since it's out of the closet we can store all our office supplies IN the closet. What a thought, huh? And all the bins in my Expedit shelf? They're full of beautiful fabric, batting, scraps...everything I need for a brain break when I just can't take any more office work. Sigh...It's amazing how much calmer I feel when my space is settled and everything has a home. 

Now, even though I still have filing to do and a planner to create, I'm going to take a break from organizing for some "me time." I haven't just stopped to do whatever I want yet this summer. It's.About.Time. Look at these gorgeous fabrics so beautifully folded...they are going to become a quilt for our bed and 5 throw pillows. I can hardly wait!!!

DIY Camera Strap Tutorial 1.0

How ironic that after staying up super late on New Years Eve (Jim and Josiah didn't make it) to finish a camera strap cover that I should decide to make 2014 the year that I tackle our thousands of untouched photos. It's about time! I have unfinished photo projects dating back to college, and YES that includes an unfinished wedding album. (Whoops!) I'm also aspiring to create a photo book at the end of 2014 with one photo from each day, inspired by The Creative Mama's post, to keep myself focused on photography...taking better pictures on a more regular basis (this habit has seriously decreased as Josiah grows older), editing and learning to use Photoshop, finishing photobooks, & finding a system to organize and archive all those priceless images. And now I can be all the more comfortable and stylish!!!

On to the tutorial...I had pinned this tutorial awhile back from Doodles & Stitches, but I wanted more of a finished look and a pocket to hold my lens cap like some I had seen on Etsy. So I created my own plan merging the two. This is my first sewing tutorial, so no promises on eloquence or clarity of directions. :) Here's my plan, a few pix, and the changes I would make were I to do it again:

Cut the following pieces:

•  2 pieces of fabric for the main strap cover based on the size of your strap. My desired strap dimensions were 28" long x 2" wide, so I cut 30" x 3".
• 1 piece of Pellon Wonder-Under for padding and body (29" x 3" to make hemming each end easier)
• 1 piece of fabric for the lens cover pocket (3" x 4.5")

Here are the layers for the strap...cute fabric is a must have!

Iron Wonder-Under to fabric intended for the back side of the strap. (I also used it in the pocket, but it turned out to be too bulky, so I wouldn't recommend that.)

Iron fabric for pocket in half (right sides facing) the hamburger way (yep, comments like that only come from a teacher).

Sew 1/4" seam along side opposite of fold. Turn pocket right side out and repress fold & seam for crisp edges.

The pocket will look like this...all set to keep that cover safe!

Back to the two main strips. Hem both ends of each (turn up half inch & iron both ends twice; then topstitch 1/4" from edge).

Pin pocket approximately 1" above one end of the top piece. Sew a quarter inch above the bottom of pocket to topstitch and secure the pocket in one step.

Pin two sides of the straps right sides facing (pocket will be inside) & sew half inch inseam along both long sides of the strap.

(Just beginning to sew along the second side. The seam running across is the bottom of the pocket.)

Turn strap right side out & topstitch (a quarter inch) along each long side. Done and ready to slip over  the strap of your camera!

Finished!

Changes:

Skip the Pellon in the pocket. Start with a longer strip of fabric for the back of the strap since it shrunk when fused. Use a 3/8" seam allowance instead of 1/2" along two long sides to make it easier to turn, slide over the strap, and allow for more lens cap room. 

Note:

Be sure to measure the diameter of your lens cap. If you have a full-size DSLR then the width of this strap will be too narrow. Our lens cap is very small, for now. Hopefully this year we will upgrade our camera, which will mean that I have to make a wider strap! Oh shucks...guess I'll have to go get more fabric from Modern Textiles...maybe by then I'll be better at scribing sewing directions and can write version 2.0. :)

2014 Resolutions

Over the last day or two my brain has been doing what the rest of your brains are probably doing...thinking back on 2013 and ahead to 2014. Did I accomplish what I wanted to? Was it a good year? Well...it was a year...I wouldn't call it a great year, but I wouldn't call it a bad year either. I did go back and reread my resolutions or yearly "goals" posts from 2012 and 2013 (Thank you Molly W. for introducing me to blogging! I love sharing myself and my heart on my blog, & tonight I love that I can look back.), and realized that those two years have many resolutions in common...and many goals that I'll continue...and several that I didn't complete. :)

Here's last year's list:
1 - Be healthier --- exercise and balance those food groups!!!
2 - Make time for things I enjoy --- Blurb books, sewing, blogging, and cooking
3 - Plan monthly times with friends, or weekly if possible
4 - Hang out with my hubby and DO something together
5 - Establish a consistent bedtime and get out of bed time to support all of the above!!!
I think those are actually pretty wise. Hmmm...I think I might actually need to publish and post those in a prominent location to remind myself of their importance in our lives...

The themes that emerge from the last two years are SIMPLIFY and BALANCE. I'm not sure I've completely achieved simplification or finding balance in our lives, but both of those are ideals that I will continue to strive for into 2014 and beyond. I'm going to add on MAINTAIN. Maintain simplifying daily life, simplify the possessions in our home, simplify the process of completing meaningless tasks instead of making a big deal out of nothing...maintain a healthy marriage, consistent parenting, close and regular friendships, healthy habits...maintain working toward a balance between work & personal life, pleasure & business, with family & time alone, being a "housewife" & choosing what I want to do, maintain our budget, maintain our businesses, maintain hobbies and our family photos, maintain posting regularly on our blog...do you see where I'm going with this? That list could keep going and become a novel! After two years of truly working toward regaining control of what should be day-to-day and not trivial turned tumultuous, I want to maintain those efforts while rounding out life with things that often go by the wayside. For example...family photos...I have thousands of them...they keep being saved on my computer and going nowhere...they are a mess...I haven't organized, edited, or compiled them in three and a half years!!! IT'S TIME!!!!!!!!!

Can you guess my #1 goal for 2014? PHOTOGRAPHY, etc.

• Organize the thousands of pictures and folders of pictures on my computer (the pictures imported from my iPhone are a mess...no idea how it sorts, but it seriously has created thousands of folders in two and a half years...utter disaster).
• Learn to effectively/efficiently use Photoshop to organize & edit pictures
• Create photo books (through Blurb?) in the style of Family Yearbooks
• Create a photo-a-day blog & book for 2014 --- luv this idea & LUV that it will put the three bullets above into daily use to keep me going!
• Learn to use all the features of our camera to their full advantage & how to capture better images --- preferably through a photography class first

Yeah!!! I'm so excited to start!!! I already created our photo a day blog and am researching Photoshop Elements vs. Lightroom. Once I get that program loaded I can tackle managing all the photos we currently have with a vengeance. Next step...learning the art of photography!!!

Now...better wrap this up since I'm already violating my getting to bed early plan...shocking!